Everything is upside down

My wife is smarter than I am. I wasn't sure how to tell people so I just sat there not sure how to tell people. Amber decided to blog and then those that are her friends can really understand what's going on without announcing it on Facebook. I figure that's a good way of doing it even if no one reads my blog. That's because I don't really do blogs, I've tried and I just can't seem to find the right words or the time honestly. Besides I don't really have any followers because, well, my blog sucks. I'm not funny in my blogs, I rarely have cool stories to tell and so I generally leave the posts to Facebook where it seems easier. Maybe I should try harder? Who knows?

Today the reason I am blogging is because I don't know where else I can go and be honest with my feelings, or really tell the story without trimming it to 140 odd letters.

On Tuesday our baby died.

Everything feels upside down. Amber went to the appointment on Tuesday to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. 18 weeks in, nearly 5 months, it seemed like it was going to be a fun final half to the pregnancy and we were all so excited to meet her. I say 'her' because I always believed 'it' was a 'she'. Since before Amber was pregnant I felt there was a little girl in heaven just waiting to come to us and that we should have another baby. I waited until Amber felt ready and then when Amber got pregnant I knew the baby was a 'she', just knew. I can't tell you how happy I was, I expect you can guess because most of my friends at this point have children. It was a great feeling; we were going to be a family of 6! 4 Children! I was so freaking excited! We have spent the last 3 months singing, talking, chatting, and generally interacting with the baby. I love that part. I would wait until Amber was asleep some nights and talk to the baby. It was easier when Amber was asleep because sometimes all I would want to do was sing a little and Amber knows I have a terrible voice but the baby, well, she wouldn't know any different so by the time she came out she'd think I was a rock star. So I would sing. Just the same songs I have always sung to our children, for some reason I always thought she liked 'God Save the Queen', I am not sure why but I liked to sing it to her. I also loved singing 'Give Said the Little Stream' and 'As I Have Loved You', I am certain I ruined that one in particular but I enjoyed it. Sometimes Amber would stir and I'd pretend I was asleep, sometimes she'd assume I was 'trying it on' with my hand up her shirt on her belly and say 'get off, I'm asleep'. That always made me laugh because then when she was back asleep I would always tell the baby that mommy is a grumpy sleeper. I liked those nights where we'd talk; of course it was often interrupted in the middle of the night by my awesome buddy and son, Luke, coming in to snuggle. Brad would often come in too which always made for a very crowded bed. 


Amber was looking forward to the baby sleeping with her; she loves to breast feed and was so excited to lie in bed with a baby again. I loved watching Amber snuggle with our children. I often go to bed late, I'm a 3 in the morning kind of person, sometimes its work, sometimes it's my mind that just won't let me stop thinking and sometimes I sit and regret.

Life is busy with a start up business; I mean we are doing well, of course we are always looking for more cash, we are looking for better funding (most investors are liars) but that's life in a start up and if it pays off then it will pay off in a big way and that makes me feel it's worth it. I have this thing in my head that I want the whole company to benefit, finally all the employees will be a part of something big and we'll do it together. Amber is super supportive and I can't express how wonderful she is, not only is she an incredible mom but she is an incredible wife and woman. She is the woman that has me in awe of her all day long. I love my Amber. Luckily she doesn't read this or she'd be saying 'oh shut up goofy' right now. But the business is tough and requires I travel a lot, Amber is used to that and I am too. I like to travel for the most part. I missed all of the previous scans for this baby, I never missed one for the other three, not once. I was always there. I love the scans, but somehow this just didn't work out.

The guilt now is intense and unending. I never saw my baby alive. Not on a screen, not in person, not once. I am angry at myself for that.

I was in Joburg on Monday night and to save money and so that my business partner could do some training and thus save me an extra day on the road away from family, we decided to drive over night to Cape Town. It was a long drive; we left Joburg at 19h00 and expected to arrive in Cape Town at about 14h00. We had a meeting with a potential investor set for 15h30 and we were excited, the drive down was jovial and happy, we were expecting great things form this meeting. For about two hours we talked about children; Hennie was surprised we would want 4 children, he had stopped at two because they 'had one of each' so they were 'good now'. We spent about 2 hours talking about the baby and my children.

Then about three hours before Cape Town, in the middle of the Karoo (that means in the middle of nowhere) my phone rang. It was Amber so I always try to answer it. She was choking it sounded like; I said 'What's wrong honey?' She choked back tears and said 'Can you come home? Can you come home right now?' I knew something was wrong and I said 'What's wrong honey? What happened?' She choked again as she said 'The baby died, there was no heartbeat, she is gone, just no heartbeat'. I asked her what happened and she explained that she went in for the appointment and asked for a scan because we wanted to know the sex and the doctor said OK. 

There is always that terrifying moment at any check where one waits for the heartbeat to come u on those terrible speakers. I hate that wait. Amber waited and then looked at the baby. She was really still, not the wiggle it baby Amber was used to. The doctor said 'O oh, this isn't good' Amber said 'Where's the heartbeat?' 'There isn't one' replied the doctor. 'Where is the heartbeat?' Amber asked again, 'Why isn't she moving?' the doctor told her the words no one pregnant wants to hear. 'The baby has died, I am so sorry'. I think from that moment on the rest is a blur for Amber. She remembers trying not to cry in front of the pregnant women in the waiting room. She remembers the clinical paperwork and pre-registration for the hospital. The doctor had told her that she would need a D&C; I am not sure Amber even knew what that was.

I told Amber I would go straight to the airport but that I was at least another 3 hours from Cape Town. I got off the phone and didn't know what to say. I just said 'Our baby died. I have to go home'. I sped up a little and called the travel agent and asked her to get me on the next flight to Durban, I knew that would be a mission, always a busy route. Somehow she found me a flight.

That was a miserable drive.

I was confused and somehow very lonely in the car despite Hennie and his best efforts to comfort me. He wasn't sure whether to try to make me smile, be quiet or to offer a pat on the hand from this very masculine Afrikaans guy. I don't think any of it would have made a blind bit of difference. All I could think of was getting home to hold Amber, being closer to her and the baby. I know that sounds weird, I just wanted to be close to the baby though. So I drove fast. I was confused all the way. I had to tell some people. I choked back everything to try to have some semblance of calm about me. I had to find the money for the hospital first, Amber said it would be cash so I had to call an investor and ask him. His company was incredible, 3 minutes after asking for it the money was in my account.

I got home after a long 2 hour flight that didn't seem to end. I couldn't focus, my mind would not focus. I felt like I was in a dream, surely it was a mistake, babies sleep too you know. I had a million questions running in my mind. What do they do with the baby afterwards; I had called random people like my GP and a friend to ask if they knew. I wanted to know the causes, why did this kind of thing happen at such a late stage? Why after 5 months? Not why me? I get that bit, I know where she is, I know who she is, I know we'll see her again and I know we're still a family; she is still in our family. I know why these things happen but for some reason I am focused on why after 5 months? I suppose now I look at it and say that the time isn't really relevant. It is what it is.

I got home and hugged Amber. I always want to protect her, love her, comfort her and yet on this occasion I couldn't. What could I say? How could I make this better? I came to the conclusion I can't. I had arranged all the practical stuff I could think of but that didn't seem to be enough for me. I went to see my children and gave them tight hugs. I felt dazed. I was trying to be efficient which now seems weird.

I didn't sleep until about 04h00 and then we got up at 05h00 to go to the hospital. I spent a lot of time with my hand on Amber’s belly, I don’t know why but I couldn’t help but talk to the baby, I want her to know I am sorry. I love her and I am sorry. Amber tossed and turned all night, I wanted to help her but I couldn’t. I couldn’t even help myself.

I think that is one of the weird parts, allowing myself to be comforted is harder than it seems. I know the Lord is right there, just waiting to help but it's easier for us humans to hurt that allow ourselves to be comforted. I don't know why.

The hospital reminded me of Little America, nice lobby. Everyone was nice. They hugged Amber a lot which I know she needed, that was nice. I felt guilty for feeling jealous that nobody hugged me. I was trying to be strong for Amber and help her however I could. We had a lot of question for the doctor and she was patient and gracious in answering them. The baby wouldn't really look like a baby; she has been decomposing for about 4 weeks and so was shrivelling up and wasn't going to be recognizable from the other medical waste in Amber's tummy. That didn't help. I felt awful about the 'waste' being thrown away but I know there was nothing left to take away. The drive home was strange from the hospital, I didn't know what to say or do. I was so frozen in my mind. How does one deal with this? I didn't know and I didn't have any answers for anyone. I was just dreading telling the children, I knew the boys were super excited to have a sibling.

I put Amber to bed and went to get my children. I sat them on the couch and told them. I answered their questions as best I could, I hugged them and they cried. The boys were upset and very thoughtful about it all. They had a lot of questions. They spoke about it all day on and off.

I don’t know why but I feel so empty, so alone. I want to protect Amber from hurt and I want to make things better. Of course her family as usual made it harder for her. Somehow finding a way to make this about them, they astonish me each and every time. Not one of them has a clue how to think of someone else. In Ambers time of need they somehow found a way to make this about a personal arguemnet between a sibling and Ambers Dad. How offended they were about the way he told them something. Why are people like that. It’s at times like that when I want to protect her more and banish them until they can learn to behave with love and concern for Amber. She is an incredible woman, such an insanely wonderful girl, i love her, she is so sensitive and yet she plays the hard girl all the time. But only because that is how they trained her to behave, she had to behave like that to protect herself from them. I just wanted to email them and say what the hell is wrong with you??? At a time like this and you guys have to make this about you guys?? For f*7% sake think of someone else for a change!! But it wouldn’t help, they would just simply not understand, they only think of themselves and they will always be that way.

I just want to make this better and I can’t. Everything is upside down and I feel off my feet. It’s wonderful to have friends, I know they care and I know they love us.

I miss my little girl. I know that the gospel provides answers and I am OK with those answers, I get it, there is a bigger picture to look at and I know where she is, I know why she didn't need to go through the trials and tribulations of this world and I am so proud of her to think that she was so valiant in the pre-existence, it makes me feel good to know Heavenly Father knows her and loves her and held her because I know she was as upset as we are that we can't be together in this life. I know I will get to hold her and play with her, raise her and I know I will get to give her a nickname and tell her how much she reminds me of her mommy. She is my little girl and always will be.

I just can't hold her yet. And that hurts.